are you still at the devil's house?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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