dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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