I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
