I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize