if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
