we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
