So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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