life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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