OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
