It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
