May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
COCAINE IS GR8
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
