Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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