Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
