I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
