I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
