I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
