The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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