Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
