If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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