the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
