I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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