Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
