??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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