went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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