When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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