Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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