There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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