our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
as a side note pls kill me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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