My underwear smells like fireworks.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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