rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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