there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize