Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize