I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
