Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
