i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
