My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
