Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize