Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
