im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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