Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
