the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I want her autograph on my taint
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
