Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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