i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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