Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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