My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
