I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize