Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
