I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
