I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
