I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
