and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
