Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You can't just leave with hair like that
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
