Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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