I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
