i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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