I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
